i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize