Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize