i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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