How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
