i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
