so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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