Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I love having hate sex.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
