Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize