i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
