I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
