Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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