dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
