I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
