The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
