you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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