My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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