Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
