I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize