Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
