She is in my trunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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