I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i think i have two assholes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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