I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
