sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
