I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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