Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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