I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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