you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
