dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
