my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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