if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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