I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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