then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
