so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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