Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
