Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
