I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
