I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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