woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
