I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
