he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
