The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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