remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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