my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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