I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
