afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
