we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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