so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
