Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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