We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
we're so committed to being not committed
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
