if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
