Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's like iHOP with fire
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
