I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
