can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
