we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize