I am puke
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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