She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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